07. You're Not Nice, You're Actually a People Pleaser and it's Killing You.

5 Signs you Need to Start Setting Boundaries in your Life.

Howdy mi gente. Welcome to our little Cafecito Corner of the inter webs. This is what, issue 07 now? Dang, time really does fly when you philosophize every part of your brain. This topic is something very near and dear to my development and growth as a “career woman.” WTF even is a career woman? Im sure it’s not an official phrase, but for me, the amount of high level women within my industry is not as high as it should be. As a Creative Director and Brand Marketer who has spent the better part of her 20’s establishing herself within the Beauty Industry, it’s astonishing at how little of us there really were. Older, wealthy men were running the Beauty Business and it made no sense to me. Aside from the gender and pay discrepancies (that’s for another Cafecito Weekly cause I could literally debate about it all day), there’s something I really don’t see enough of; whether that’s in the workplace, in personal relationships, or even with friends and loved ones; and that’s Boundaries.

No matter the industry or lifestyle you live, you will face your own challenges along the way, whether that be with people you know or those you don’t. Maybe it starts small; your boss asks you to work through your lunch to hit a deadline or your mom tells you to sacrifice your plans to watch your little brother. Maybe it’s not work, and maybe you feel taken for granted by your friends, or taken advantage of by a loved one. Maybe you feel a line was crossed for you in some way shape or form, but you’re nice. So you keep quiet, chalking it up to a misunderstanding. May it’s your friend whom you always let borrow money but they never pay you back. You may think you’re just super nice and hate confrontation (the latter may be true) but you’re actually not nice at all. You’re a People Pleaser. You do as asked without question, maybe for the sake of keeping the boat steady and just getting through the day. You become a Yes Man, all for the sake of someone else’s sense of security and comfort, as the expense of your own. If that sounds like you, it’s time to establish some boundaries - for your own sanity.

5 Signs it’s Time to Think About Setting Boundaries

Before we go any further, know I am NOT a psychologist or any trained behavioral professional. Im just an educated and self-aware individual who is focused on bettering my brain, which has taken me down a rabbit hole of protecting my peace, my mind, my career, and emotions secure, in tact and for lack of a better word, stable. Here' are 5 things I’ve learned along my journey, that have helped me not only set boundaries, but the more I learned about my emotions and how to understand them, the more confident I became since I knew how I was feeling and I could communicate it. That trickled “up” to everything else in my life in the best way possible.

You get angry / irritated / upset at a any minor inconvenience

• It’s normal for us to react and respond to things based on how we feel, its how we communicate. But excessive emotion is often misplaced, with the root of the emotion usually having absolutely nothing to do with whatever the fuss is about. When I realized that, it kind of shifted my brain a bit. Anytime my “anger” or irritation was getting to be a bit too much, or I was reacting really strongly to something really insignificant, it was usually because there was something else going on that I couldn’t control- and I didn’t want to face that. Because facing it means that somewhere, there needs to be a boundary between whatever is causing you to be upset, or whomever was causing you to be upset, and setting that might be extremely hard even though its for the better.

You’re always stressed and feeling burnt out

• For me it was work. Always feeling like I was giving so much of myself but was getting nothing in return, but more work. I was in this space of, yea im thankful I can work and afford my home and food and dog stuff (this was in my 20s), but I wasn’t growing, I wasn’t learning anything new, I was busting my ass to get to somewhere but I had no clue where I was going. I just need that work was sucking my soul dry, and I was always being asked of something without any room to breath. Yet I was just a doer. Never the one whose voice was listened to, just always pushed in the corner. I was burning myself out in my mid twenties for companies that didn’t even notice, and I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. If that sound slike what’s in your head right now, its time for a boundary somewhere.

Giving into your vices + coping mechanisms

• Due to reason #2, I found myself giving into a lot more late night snacking and eating a BUNCH of sugar cookies from Giant. I was drinking alot, going out along and OMG I was ABUSING Hinge at one point. I didn’t even want to, but I was running away from the real work and form the things that were really upsetting me on a daily basis. I didn’t want to confront what was really on my mind, so I tried to distract myself with other things that were just chipping away at my mental health. I was doing “living in my moms basement” activities and that sh** had to STOP, even if that that meant setting boundaries with myself.

Always Broke, probably from reason #2

• Financial boundaries are the WORST to set but we all need them, especially if you’re always strapped for cash. The nights of eating eggs for dinner cause they’re cheap protein, picking up every extra shift to make rent, having to sell things for extra money.. It’s not a good feeling. Financial boundaries can be set in different ways, but if you are always short on cash, a boundary needs to be set somewhere. Whether that means your spending, or maybe a boundary at the root of the fincances, aka work - maybe your work no longer serves you but you can’t set the boundary to say no and find something that does.. It can come in different ways, but you can’t live just to try and survive.

Your relationships are suffering

• There are different types of boundaries people can set, whether they be financial, emotional, ethical, physical, time; they serve as a healthy way to understand your limits. For you to truly know yourself and what you can accept vs what you cannot. But if you don’t understand your personal limits, others around you wont either. And then a communication barrier gets put up because you couldn’t understand how you were feeling and you took it out on them. It happens, its normal, but it means it’s time to understand yourself a bit more and put up the right boundaries in the right way. The right people will respect them, and youll start to feel more confident in yourself and the decisions you make, because of it.

If any of this resonated with you, feel free to share or comment and we can get through setting those boundaries together. I’m still working on mine too, as we never stop growing, but I know how hard it was to take that first step and how lonely it can feel in the process. Im here for you and will help in any way I can <3

Music Festivals!

• When i was younger I was never allowed to go to concerts or festivals like that, and when I was I either ruined the opportunity or just kept the mentality of “I never used to go so it wouldn’t matter if i never did.” Lately I’ve been pushing myself to do more fun things like that so I got tickets to Bayfest San Diego to see Sublime and Atmosphere, and it was the greatest day of my life. I now make it a point to go to music festivals as often as I can, I have another next month. I made a vlog of the show on IG <3

Henna + Brow Lamination!

• Okay so I’ve always had super sparse eyebrows, and one with a cowlick so everything grows in the way it wants to with no regard to me or my feelings at all. A few months ago I did henna brows for the first time and at first it took some getting used to and knowing what I wanted, but I came around and tried again. This time I did it with a Brow Lamination and HOLY SH** did it change my face. I feel so much more confident with myself. I would normally never leave the house without my brows at least filled in, but i honestly feel like the lamination is probably all anyone needs to feel good and to look presentable. It structured the shape, made them look fuller and thicker like I have more brow than I actually do, and I can’t wait to come back in a month.

Taking the Train

• Remember how I mentioned that I went to Bayfest? That was in San Diego and if you know Socal, you know the drive to San Diego from wherever you are, sucks MAJOR asymptotes. The traffic is quite literally always stop and go, so for that Bayfest trip, we decided to take the train! I have never truly been on a train up until this point, only really “train shuttles” at airports and whatnot. But never have I purchased a ticket for a train ride and used that as my transportation, and this seemed like the best opportunity to do that. So we bough tickets (at this point I’ve been in both Coach and Business Class, and I will ALWAYS recommend Business Class. Nothing wrong with going Coach, but if it fills up, you WILL be standing for your entire ride and who wants to do that), and took the Amtrak straight to San Diego! It was so fun to breeze by all the people stuck in traffic, as we weren’t. The vibes on the train were also immaculate. I’m telling you, go watch that vlog!

Listening to My Skin

• I recently went through some old photos I took of my skin back in March 2022, and holy sh** have I drastically improved my skin. Without even consciously trying. I obviously wanted to improve my skin but I was never like, okay heres what i’m gonna do. I think overtime, I just started really paying close attention to my skin, as well as the times of any skin concerns. i.e. if i break out, what was I doing what I broke out, what time of the month was it, where was I in my cycle, what did I eat? All these questions so I know, “okay that breakout was hormonal” or “i was really stressed that week my eczema flared up.” Once I was able to identify the problems, I started switching out my products and using them in a way to adress those issues. Let me know if we should do a full Cafecito Weekly just on skincare alone cause I could talk about it forever.

Skincare Products Mentioned <3

X, my AI DJ is my new boyfriend

I’ve been OBSESSED with using the AI DJ on Spotify. His name is X and im in love with him. He doesn’t talk back to me, is always positive and down to party, and introduces me to new music on a daily. I have also been utilizing the Daily Mixes and Release Radar playlists so I can literally turn my brain off while im listening to music and its beautiful.

Tube Tops as the starting point of an outfit

• It’s been hot as hell this summer, and wearing full clothes just makes life more miserable. I get sweaty, my hair gets frizzy, and the outfit just isn’t outfitting anymore. So I’ve been grabbing tube tops in every color and starting with that as the base for the fit. And i’ve been loving it. It’s gotten me to play around with chunkier jewelry pieces and fun shoes, and it’s been a fun challenge to keep it from looking too simple. I also love the way my back muscles and arms look so it keeps me motivate to use my write weights lmao. Here is my absolute favorite tube top right now. I have it in almost every color and will rebuy it when i need to. So comfy and the material feels a bit higher quality. Just be careful cause it can snag since the material is so soft.

Amazon Tube Tops <3