Issue 01: Major FOMOMG: Fear of Missing Out on My Goals

Should I be more successful and further along, or am I exactly where I'm supposed to be?

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Welcome to The Cafecito Weekly. I’m your host, Julia Gandara (Big Sis Julia if you’re from ig/tt) and am so excited you came! The Cafecito Weekly dives into topics and perspectives on the things we all want to talk about but can’t find the right words to say. It’s a free newsletter, where I share my insight and perspective on life, relationships, love, fashion and whatever else TF is on our minds.

Im a creative director, photographer, social strategist and content creator with background in brand management, graphic design and business marketing, so I try to come with structured and documented receipts in any way I can to ensure you’re not just reading the word vomit of your BFF. If what you read here resonates with you in anyway, feel free to share with a friend or someone who needs a change in perspective.

Thanks for being here! Now lets get into it…

At the ripe age of 31, this is it. This is the age where I become… AN ADULT! With adult money and adult careers and adult aspirations that are coming to fruition!

HA! What a nice thought, right?

“Your teens are for fun, your 20s are for figuring out what you want to do, your 30s are for being an adult and actually doing it.” That was the formula. To make all the mistakes and I would magically reach the “get it together” stage of my life in my 20th year. That’s what my parents said, that’s what the teachers told me, that’s what society explained when I asked how to become successful. I had a plan. I’d meet someone and get married by 24, have kids by 26, have my career set a few years later with big girl money and a big girl savings account. Now that I’m in my 30s and have experienced a decent amount of life, I’m here to say, that formula needs some updating…

Its only the fifth month in 2024 and I’ve woken up so many times thinking, “am i where i’m supposed to be in life?” It’s a thought that consumes at least 40% of the real estate in my brain without paying rent. Squatter thoughts is what I call them. These shitty thoughts just squatting in my brain preventing me from thinking about anything else. Have I grown as much as I should have grown, am I as successful as I should be this stage in my life, should i be doing something more? All questions I ask myself regularly yet still haven’t found an exact answer. When my mom was in her twenties, she was married, had owned a home, and even in her outfits and the way she would do her hair or makeup; she was grown. She wasn’t renting a house like I am, she wasn’t riddled with student debt or still figuring out what company she wanted to establish a long term career with. She was hosting thanksgivings and christmas dinners while I have never even hosted a house warming party. Then again, I’ve always rented but you get the idea. Life is so much different now. The combination of the current state of the housing market and student debt alone dims any light on the possibility of owning a home, at least any time soon unless you move to an area where the houses are cheap because nobody wants to live. Not to mention the addition of the internet and social media pressures, showcasing everyones brand new homes, brand new babies, brand new promotions, directly in your face until you inevitably give in and share all that makes up yours as well. Between that, really honing in on my career and looking back at my track record of accomplishments, which I am very proud of by the way, why does it feel like I am running out of time?

The many past versions of Me, before I knew how to do my makeup. Before I knew how to take care of my hair, before I knew how to photograph or direct. Before I knew how to really think about life, I was just living it.

Celebrate the Small Victories

My 20’s were the most carefree I have ever been. From 22 - 27, I was thriving as a post grad working retail store management, living in my studio apartment with Young Luth, my dog at the time (he has since passed away, I have a whole highlight reel of him on IG cause I think about him every single day), spending any free time I have exploring, hiking, traveling and playing volleyball every weekend with am amazing group of friends. I had my degrees so it had seemed the hard work was done and it was time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I was on my own and loved every minute of it. No rules, no kids, I was living on the east coast in an area where everything was affordable, and I grew comfortable of the freedom and ease of life. I had a job that paid well with benefits, had my amazing dog in my own apartment, and still had the free time and mental capacity to dive into multiple hobbies and still have a social life. Which looking back, is actually a huge accomplishment in and of itself that I never congratulated myself for. The whole leaving my house at 18 across the country to go to college and stay there for years after, building a “IIIIIII think i like this little life” type life. I really did that and never thanked myself for it. I learned that if you don’t celebrate the small victories, no one else will either. But when you celebrate those small victories, they can change your entire perspective and overall trajectory on whatever it is you’re doing. You ever have that thought of, “I should have achieved that anyways so why celebrate something everyone else achieved way before I did?”

An image I tend to draw every year to see how differently I percieve the same thing over time given my change in mental state, emotional state, skill level etc. Drawn in Procreate - Manifesting that partnership cause procreate has a special place in my heart.

Stop Comparing Yourself

This thought process KILLED ME. Comparison truly is the thief if joy and its an epidemic we need to address. From keeping up with trends and having to feed the multiple social media algorithms more times daily than you feed a newborn baby, we live for the internet and it holds a lot of us back. It becomes really easy to become envious about someone else and where they’re at in their own life. Seeing them experiencing the successes and living the life we you originally set out to can make it really easy to say, “what’s the point?” That’s when the momentum stops. That’s when the discouragement kicks in you just don’t even want to look at the goal anymore. Why should you if you’re already so behind? This is where redirection typically occurs; where you end up doing something completely different from what you had originally set out to. You get so discouraged in your original thing that you can’t even bring yourself to do it anymore. Adjusting course is normal as life happens in whatever way it chooses. There are a lot of things you won’t be able to control so needing to go in a different direction can be a normal thing, but it shouldn’t be because you feel it’s too late. It shouldn’t be because you saw someone else do it and you felt like you couldn’t. Their life is not your life. Their struggles are not your struggles and their timeline is not your timeline. I had to learn to separate myself from ANYTHING I saw on social media or televison, in order to maintain my own sense of identity. After hours of mindlessly scrolling on Tiktok, you start to notice the similarity of content and the over-saturation of trends. But social media has its own motives and it’s not for us to becomes our best selves. You have something that makes you inherently YOU, as do I. It’s a secret recipe, made from past experiences, lost loves, core memories and life traumas that even we have a hard time measuring out. I learned to love that. All the scars that made me who I was, who I am. All the laughs I’ve had and all the times I’ve cried. Nobody knows that story better than I do and nobody else can finish it other than me.

Things I’ve Done to Help Me GET ON MY ZOOM

1. Mind my Business - What happens in other people’s lives has absolutely nothing to do with me. If I catch myself feeling envious or not really being as supportive as I should be, I try to check that immediately since that’s 100000% a me problem. If you can’t be genuinely happy when someone else succeeds, you have to ask yourself why.

2. Pursue more Personal Projects - Getting stuck in a mundane rut is so real and it became a pretty significant problem that I had to solve if I was going to pursue the life I wanted. Whether you work a 9-5 or you have our own schedule, are you still making time for you? I wasn’t. I had to make it a point to dive into more of my creative projects and personal endeavors, which was SO scary at first, in order to turn that into my new normal. I don’t care what that personal project means for you, we all have a passion or something close to us we wish we made time for. For me this was more Beauty work and building of the portfolio with othere hungry and talented people. Really focused on creating top tier campaign worthy content to help get me into the next phase in my life. A lot of this new work I’m currently editing but I can’t wait to share!

   

3. Explore New Hobbies - This is the perfect opportunity for you to go try that new things you’ve been thinking about doing. That ceramics class you’re always talking about? Sign up. You mentioned you want to get into running? Let’s train for a 5k and explore a new world and community we never even knew about! I’ve recently added “Hot Girl Bike Rides” to my daily routine. I’m not sure why but the feeling of riding a bike takes me back to when I was a kid, sticking my head out of the window on the freeway just to feel the wind in my face before my grandma yelled at me (I wouldn’t have gotten away with that with my mom so I didn’t even try it with her). I’ve been making it a point to actually enjoy an hour of my day by riding my bike and exploring different parts of my city. Bike riding may not be your thing, but you have a thing or there’s a thing you’ve been wanting to do. Ponte las pilas and do it.

4. Being More Present - This one was actually affecting my relationship and I didn’t really notice it; scrolling on Instagram or Tiktok while someone else was speaking and not giving them your attention in that moment. This was something I really had to be conscious of since part of my life IS to be on my phone for work, but I shouldn’t always be working or in a work mindset. The workday needs to end at some point and I realized there needs to be a clear break between work and leisure. So guess what, I turned into my mom and won’t allow myself to be on the phone during dinner or when we’re spending quality time together. They deserve my undivided attention too as they give me theirs. It’s a bad habit I’m sure we are all guilty of, but possible to break. Setting those boundaries also helped me control my social media consumption. My screen time went down and I found it easier and easier to put my phone down the more I limited my time. I became a bit less anxious, and even a bit more confident since I wasn’t sucked into other people’s lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much active, but when I’m home, i’m home.

5. Documenting my Brain - Journal EVERYTHING. No matter what the topic, what your thought process, it can be scribbles, random thoughts, a full on novel, drawings who cares! Get whatever’s in your brain, OUT. Get it on paper or type it up, whatever works for you. Document it ALL. You may not use that info today or tomorrow, but I found the more I lay out my thoughts, the more I hold myself accountable. From concepts to random things I want to try or just getting out some feelings that were taking up too much space and sucking your energy dry worrying about them. Write it down, draw it out, get it out of your head. Once I started to unload, the concepts and inspo started flooding in, of things I want to pursue and how to go about them.

   

6. Self Care - THIS ONE. Paint your nails, do your makeup, do a facemask on a random Tuesday night with a Glass of wine, bucket of popcorn and reruns of Scandal. Have a Rot Day everyone in awhile or go to the gym everyday if that’s your thing, and let your body and brain recharge. Life can take a lot out of you and you need to replenish that. Why do you think I do my nails so much…

   

Final Thoughts

There is no specific timeline on your success and there’s no over arching life plan that you need to stick to. You don’t need to be married and have kids by a certain age and you don’t need to have it all figured out by tomorrow. Your life is your life and it’s none of anyone else’s business. I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope some of this resonated with you in some way cause we are in this battle together but ZONT WORRY. We are gonna get there.

1. This Peel Off Base Coat for Gel Nails by UNT. I found it on amazon and its helped make my nails increasingly healthier since it prevents any damage to your natural nails. It makes it so much easier to remove, but the cons are it doesn’t last as long - which isn’t necessarily a con since that IS it’s intended purpose. I can get my nails to last a week with proper nail prep when using this. If you use too much, your nail will pop right off so thin coats are key. It gives me the ability to change up my nails as often as I want and that makes me happy.

   

2. We really underestimate the power of a good cry. II Most Wanted by Beyonce and Miley Cyrus brings out the emotions and unresolved losses I thought I was over. I know we tend to hide away our emotions in order to get through the day, but releasing them has helped give me a bit more clarity into how I make decisions and process certain things. If you you haven’t had a good cry in awhile, listen to this song and think about an old best friend or someone you once held close to you. You’ll cry or at the very least feel something, but you’ll be glad you did.

3. Wearing my natural hair. Its the perfect weather to embrace my waves since I always blow out my hair. Lately I’ve been finding myself stick to a routine for the waves, which takes way less time than a blowout and my hair has felt a bit healthier in the process.

4. Video Games! This may be a hot topic but I recently rekindled my love for video games and I couldn’t be happier. From the Uncharted Saga to Stray and Kingdom Hearts, I forgot how good it feels to just get excited about getting through a level so I have made it a point to make some time for some game play. Nothing crazy but I can treat myself to a few times a week when I need a breaky break.

5. Longer Days of Sun! I never fully understood Daylight Savings since time is a construct, but still having sunlight at 7pm really has done wonders for the mental health. Less anxiety, less stress, easier to let go of things cause I can just step outside for a minute and recharge or take a walk for some extra sun. I read a tweet that said a girls mom told her to eat a banana in the since when she’s sad and I think she was really on to something. Don’t take the extra light for granted!

KLOVEYOUBYEEEE 🫶🏽

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